Captivating????

OK, my heart is... expanding and beaten at the same time. I am just over 1/2-way through Captivating by John and Stasi Edlredge. That's what this post is going to be about. If I can find the words to type it. (BTW - I guarantee I'll go from topic to topic here... my brain has to get out.)

First, I felt amazed by this book (OK, I still do). Immediately, I knew that I could connect to Stasi... what she wrote about in her own life completely portrays the anxieties and fears in my own life. She (and John) have captured my thoughts and written them for the world to see. Here's an example:

[Stasi writes] "When I'm going out to a party or a gathering, or just to dinner at a friend's house--really, anywhere I am meeting other people--I feel nervous. Often I'm not aware of what I'm truly feeling, but I find myself reapplying lipstick in teh car on the way. The more nervous I feel, the more lipstick goes on. Getting close tot he destination, I reapply more lipstick. A little lcoser, on goes some more. Turning into their street, on goes another layer of Sunset Rose or whatever.... What was I doing? I was afraid. At least if my makeup looks good, something deep inside me reasoned, maybe I won't be exposed. Found out. Seen." ~p.45

My first reaction??? I UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!! That's me, to a "T". I'm terrified to reveal myself to others and yet I yearn to. With stories like this, I know that this book is written for me.

Chapter 2 (and much of the book) is written about beauty. Beauty. Yep. It almost seems like it's a woman's horrible dream--the subject of beauty. It is for me. I can appreciate the beauty of others. I can MORE THAN appreciate the beauty of a sunset or a rainy day, a symphony, a child. But there simply can't be THAT kind of beauty in ME. Can there be? And then I read that God created Eve... he created her BEAUTIFUL (inside AND out). He created her in HIS image. She was designed to BE LOVELY because GOD is lovely. And you know what? I'm her decendant. So are you. (this is really hard to type.) So God created ME lovely. What is THAT about??? Just when I think I've started to get this... it slips away and I simply state--well, God certainly can't be talking about ME. But... when I stand in front of Him and ask the question we're all afraid to ask, "Am I lovely?".... I KNOW He answers "YES." It's just that i"m not quite sure I believe Him.

Here's more... John is writing here:

"Stasi and I had gathered with the men and women in our ministry who do the men's and women's retreats. The men's team wanted to offer our counsel and support and prayer to the women's team for their upcoming event....

Our gathering moved rather quickly from external kinds of issues--how long the sessions should be and logistical stuff like that--to the internal world of the women's team themselves. As we began to talk more intimately, something started coming over me. Just a sense, an inexplicable but strong impression.

Back off.

That's what i felt. No one said it; nothing they were doing implied it; it wasn't a voice in my head. Just a very strong impression.... this sense of maybe we shouldn't press further into this, this feeling of just back off was growing in me, or over me, every moment we moved more deeply into their lives....

I knew that, as a man, this wasn't my heart's true desire toward these women. I love them. I want to fight for them.... I knew as well it could not be their heart's desire.... So I interruped the flow of conversation with what seemed like an unrelated question to the women: "Do you feel alone in this?" Silence. Then tears, deep tears, from some deep place within each of them. "Yes," they all said. "We do." But I knew it was more than about the retreats. "Do you feel like that in your lives, too, I mean, just generally, as women?" "Yes, absolutely. I feel alone most of the time."" ~p.87-88

Yeah. "I feel alone most of the time." this is part of the mystery *I* see in my own life... Family, friends, church, co-workers... they're all there... but they're not INSIDE. There are very few people INSIDE. Maybe because I don't let them there. Maybe because they don't try to get there. That hurts. That makes ME want to cry.... I CRAVE those social relationships, those people who build you up and make you strong, whom YOU can give life to as well. I have those relationships, I DO. I am just filled with this... self-doubt. Fear. Anxiety. "What if I'm not as important to them as they are to me?" "Does this person understand how much he/she means to me?" "Does anyone understand that a simple, heartfelt smile can unleash untold beauty... for both people?"

BUT... in this.... mess of my mind and heart... I'm learning more deeply who God is. Every desire that I have... to be desired, to be known intimately, to be loved, to be defended, to be held and cared for and CHERISHED... God made me in HIS image--HE HAS THOSE DESIRES, TOO. It makes me weep for the simplicity of it. Yes, Emily... God UNDERSTANDS where you are. HE craves the same love YOU do. And my response CANNOT be one of indifference. I CANNOT brush Him aside and simply wait until something better comes along.

HE IS EVERYTHING.

I love that. My Savior, my Father, my Friend, my Love..... He loves me with an everlasting love. Not because He HAS to. Because He wants to; HE pursues me because He's desperately in love with me.

Some day I will find a man who pursues me with the same passion. I want to be pursued... I am finally understanding what that means to me. When he pursues me, he will be acting with the heart and mind of God. And that is a miracle. Am I impatient? Yes. Well... No. I am eager. I am desiring MORE out of life. But I will not, I CANNOT take this gift away from God... it is HIS to give to me... not mine to steal. I think I'm understanding that the more I wait... the sweeter the reward will be. He (my husband) will more intimately reflect my Lord, and perhaps I will more graciously reflect His beauty. I hope so anyway.