Help Me!

At the end of January, I surgery on my knee. Nothing major, but it put me out of commission for a bit. My amazing mom came down to help me get back on my feet (literally), drive me around, cook and clean for me, and just be another person here so I wasn't healing at home alone.

It amazed me, however, how much GUILT I felt when I asked for help! I felt bad asking her to get me a glass of water, bring me dinner, cook me breakfast, wash the dishes. I KNEW that if I tried hard enough, I could do all of those things on my own! Except... I couldn't.

And when you can't do something you normally do, it's humbling. To have to depend on another person for some very basic things. It's harder than it seems like it will be.

I can't tell you how many times I would make a request like, "I'm sorry, but... I ran out of water... could you get me some more?... I... I'm sorry. Thank you..."

Can anyone relate?

I'm the careGIVER, not the care RECEIVER.

I think it's important, though, to be a care receiver sometimes. For me, it made me so much more grateful for my health. I'm still recovering, and I'm frustrated by how I get tired quickly, and that my knee isn't feeling PERFECT yet (even though the doctor TOLD me it would take a month or so). 

I'm grateful for the ability to walk. I'm grateful for a family that cares about me and goes out of the way to make sure I'm taken care of.  I'm grateful for a team of leaders at church who won't LET me overdo it, even when I want to--because I am thinking of what I want to see happen now, but they are thinking of what happens long term. It makes me feel loved. And even being told, "No, don't do that," makes me feel appreciated because I know that people care.

I'm not saying that everyone should go get knee surgery. But maybe everyone should be a care receiver every now and then.

And while my Christmas Tree wasn't attacking me, this is what it felt like when I asked for help (see ESPECIALLY at 1:20):

The Memories...

Last week, one of my friends was diagnosed with Leukemia.

Cancer.

I found out by reading a post by her husband on Facebook.  It almost felt like a prank--a cruel, horrible prank.  "Haha, everyone, we don't have cancer - gotcha!"  As I read the words, though, I felt memories flooding back... From the night my sister called me to tell me she had cancer, almost 4 years ago to the day.  It felt surreal then.  It STILL feels surreal sometimes.

As I've prayed for my friend and her family, those memories keep coming back... I've tried to think of what my sister needed from her friends--what WE needed, as well--and figure out practical ways to provide those things for her, for them.

Here are some things I remember....

1) AVOID CLICHE'S
Oh my word.  I heard the phrase "God won't give you more than you can handle" more times than I can count.  The HORRIBLE thing about this statement is that it's NOT TRUE!!!!  NOWHERE in Scripture does it say this.  And knowing that God doesn't say it made it far more OK for me to run to Papa God and crumble in His arms.  HE handles it, not me.  (See my rant on this here.)

2) KEEP COMMUNICATING
 I remember how my sister would read blog comments from her phone in the hospital bed.  She LOVED hearing from her friends and family... even people she didn't know--OUR friends who still cared about her.  She drew so much strength from them, and because of that, so did we!  Those who routinely commented were such a blessing!

3) BE SPECIFIC WHEN YOU OFFER SOMETHING
I actually remember this from when my grandfather passed away while I was still in MN.  I had a friend who's mother had just passed away a year before who was with me when I got the news.  I was a mess.  She stood with me and said, "This is how I'm going to help you.  I can bring you to your teachers and we can talk to them and get assignments, etc."  She was so practical.  She learned that from HER experiences... those who said, "If there's any way I can help, let me know," didn't end up being too helpful.  Their hearts were ABSOLUTELY in the right place, but when you're experiencing something tragic or traumatic, it's hard to "assign" someone something to do.  That's why I try to avoid this statement - because I felt it when we experienced Serry's cancer.  I had some friends who were VERY specific in what they could do to support me.  My small group, for instance, changed - we became something that was less of a stress on me, and more a group teaching/discussion.  They were very practical and such a support.  If there's something you can do for someone, do it - or at least offer to.  If you can watch the kids, offer to watch the kids.  If you want to give some money to the family, give some money.  In the case of my friend, if you want to shave your head to show solidarity - shave that head! (Several people, men and women, in our church have done this!)

4)  LOVE AND PRAY
Seriously.  We know that prayer is a powerful weapon.  Why don't we use it?  This weekend, we prayed in church.  Some of the kids in children's church prayed.  We prayed at a party we went to.  We've been praying alone and with others.  God ALREADY has the title of Healer--it's not like we're asking Him to step out of His identity.  He has established Himself as a Healer WAY before you and I got here!



There's more that's rumbling around, but... this is what's on my heart.  So, now that you've read this, will you pray for my friend, S, and her husband, A, and their daughter, L?  They would really appreciate it.  In the meantime, here's my small showing of solidarity for my friend... orange for Leukemia:

Days 6-8 :)

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

I thought of trading places with Obama so that I could repeal the health care law (grin). I thought of trading places with Beth Moore to see what it feels like to do something like she does and be so successful. I thought of trading places with Stefanie from Ni Hao Y'all to see what it's like to have that many kids - with that many adopted, too.

But you know what? God has given me MY life to live. I have my own struggles and difficulties, but... I also have things that are exciting and fun, and if God has chosen for me to not have or do certain things yet, then I want my own experience!



Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

OK, first off, I'm too tired to go take a picture of my envelope system, so I'm stealing a pic of someone else's.

THESE are envelopes. You put your money in envelopes (because cash is king!), and you spend it. When it's gone, it's gone. :) I put this as my most treasured possession, not because of the $$ in it (not much there right now, lol), but because of how much and how UNEXPECTEDLY it's changed my life. Gazelle intense, baby. :)



Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

This is the ABSOLUTE BEST picture I've ever seen of my little sister. I ♥ it. So much! (G - I'm sorry.... ;) hehehehee)

Waiting

So... do YOU ever pray for something, sooo hard... God tells you about it, He stirs your heart so that you yearn for it like you've never yearned for anything before, you learn about it, research it, and generally do your best to GET it... and at the end of the day you're still left empty-handed?

I have.
I DO, actually.

Every day I feel like I'm left at the throne, thankful for what I HAVE, thankful for the dream that He has built in my heart, but left wondering if He ever truly means for it to come true.

Let me say my disclaimer: I know He does. I have no doubt about that. I have no doubt that His plans are better than mine could ever be. It's just hard sometimes, and I'm sure you all can relate to that--to the emotional response.

Part of me is wondering WHY I'm left wanting what He's promised but not yet fulfilled. Maybe it's to remind myself LATER how much i wanted this--you know, when times get tough. Maybe it's to increase my desire--to teach me to love the way HE does, more purely and selflessly. Maybe He is simply using this time to grow ME, to teach me to become more dependent upon Him. Actually, I think all of these things are true. They are definitely happening during this process of waiting, and I am striving to let Him make the best use of my time right NOW.

But.

But I get stuck in comparisons (which He is quick to point out and correct).
But I KNOW that no matter how much I can grow right now, I could be DOING more, CHANGING others' situations so much more.
But I'm left feeling like I am lacking in some vital way... that maybe I'm not good enough or grounded enough or pretty enough or... or enough for Him to trust me.

I fear I am destined to be different. I will always know the meaning of the word "WAIT" - more than others around me. But in the waiting, I know I need to ask myself, "What am I doing to prepare?" When He says "GO" I want to be first in line to answer.

Of Life and Death...

I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?
~Sir Walter Scott

Tonight's post is dedicated to my Gus. See... Mom, Bob, and I were adopted by a whiny, wriggly lump of puppyness about 12 or 13 years ago. We wanted a dog, and Bob and I were insistent that we get a big breed. The puppy we found was a Shepherd/Rottweiler mix--sure to be a big boy, and with good breeding... at least on his mother's side. She had loose morals, though, and fraternized once to often with the Rottweiler down the street.

I remember 2 specific things about Gus being a puppy. He whined. A lot. And he knew, at his tender, baby age, that he was certain to become an escape artist. Bob and I worked tirelessly to build him a classy kennel. He had a dog house, plenty of room to stretch out, shelter... it was perfect. Our only flaw was that we let him watch us build it. When he saw any weakness in the structure, he stored it away, knowing it would be good for future use.

That smart-dumb dog eventually put his knowledge to use. When put in his kennel, he would take a flying leap and crawl up the 8 foot walls--free to hop down to freedom. When we blocked off that escape route, our Houdini popped the lid off his dog house. Of course that got reattached. He then managed to rip through the chain link fence and squeeze through a hole just big enough. After that was enforced by rebar... Yes... he BENT the rebar. The final attempt at the kennel (to keep him out of doggy jail!) was an electric fence all around the kennel. Sure enough, moments after put inside, one would hear a yip, Yip, YIP! coming from the electrocuted canine, and then a WOOF! of freedom. Needless to say, the kennel has remained empty for several years.

Gus was my helper-dog. I'd work on something outside and shout, "Where's my helper-dog?!" He'd come running! We washed cars, clipped rhodies, weeded, planted, and even ran from the attacking Bald Faced Hornets together. We went for walks on the beach whenever we went to the ocean. We would start with him on his leash (he scared small-dog people) and he'd run out in front of me, every bit my pet dog. As soon as that leash was unclicked, though, he'd fall in line, just behind and to the right of me. I was alpha in our pack of two, and he was sublimely happy to have it that way.

Gus licked all the time. I'm serious... ALL. THE. TIME. He used to have the nickname of Mr. Licky. Then he became Captian Licky... and moved up the ranks. I think that tonight... tonight, the silence will be eerie.

My Gus let us know last night that it was time for him to move on. He was tired of his arthritis. His hair loss. His sore, old body. Today we said goodbye... we shared our last, "I love you's" and "Thank you for being my friend." He got his last belly rub and ear scratch. Tonight he's running and playing again, finding the perfect stick. Meeting up with old friends who've gone on before him. To them and to God, I say... please give my Gusser an extra hug tonight. He couldn't make it here any more, but I'll see him again, every bit the crazy puppy he used to be.

Gus-Gus... I love you. I miss you. I'm so thankful that you're not hurting anymore, but now it's my turn for my heart to hurt for awhile. Despite the insanity that you sometimes brought, you were my good dog, and I'm so thankful and honored to be called your Emmy. Sleep well, Puppy. I'll see you when I get there. Save a walk on the beach for me.

"Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long."

It's interesting. Psalm 119 talks often about loving God's word - living it, breathing it, meditating on it. It often seemed to me that because I knew where things were in Scripture (or could find it really quickly), and that I read my Bible more than other people did, I must be meditating on the Word... at least more than other people do!

The past few weeks have really shown me that fallacy. Today will mark day 711 that I have read my Bible. What started as a one-month commitment to God has gotten me through the absolute best times in my life... and the absolute worst. Without my daily commitment early last year, I wouldn't have leaned so heavily on God during my sister's journey with brain cancer. I wouldn't have rejoiced as freely when her MRI's returned clear and we all learned how to LIVE again--changed, but hopeful.

One of the best parts about being a believer in Christ, though, is that He is always calling you higher and closer. When we master one area of our lives and put it in complete submission, He shows us another, and another. Lest we become apathetic, our Savior continues to say "Follow me. Love like me. LIVE like me."

In my life, that means an upgrade for my 711 days of reading. It was my involvement at church that brought this on... first with our 40-Days emphasis and my prayer of wanting to go deeper into what was already an everyday task for me; second with a sermon that, though I don't remember the specifics, resonated with me. On the evening of November 28th, I stood at the altar, presenting my heart to God, repeating the words, "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone" (Col. 4:6). God was working in me, reminding me that if HE abides in me, I must let HIM come out of me in conversation and specific situations that I face daily.

I went home that night and wrote that verse down, journaling a bit about it. The next day, as my mind began to wander to areas that caused me pain and sadness, I heard the words, "take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5). The day after? "Do everything without complaining, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God" (Phil. 2:14).

Day by day, Scriptures would present themselves to me... though God speaking to me, reading my Bible at night, a Pastor's comment during church. Day by day, I have been meditating on His law... hearing His word repeated over and over... I see it during the day--in the middle of stressful situations, I've opened myself up to hear His voice, and learn His lessons of love.

Before you shake your finger at me, I fail at following His word daily. I DO hear it and turn the other way. Even after 2 years of reading every day, there are still nights when I just want to turn the light off and go to sleep, days when I want to say "Screw it all!" and have it out with someone right there. The intriguing part of it though... is that His Spirit, His voice...? It gets louder every day.

It's hard to ignore Someone who loves me this much.

5 Things I'm Thankful for TODAY

1. I had to feed llamas at my dad's house today. No one was around, so after I gave them grain and hay (they love me forever), I wandered out into one of the fields. It was warm and toasty... the sun was golden on the dry grasses. The ground crunched as I walked, and crickets leaped out of my way while calling their songs to each other. It was VERY good.

2. I still only have a couple unread emails at work (and they're unread for a reason). I used to have about 100 on a daily basis.

3. Once I go to bed I get to sleep in a little bit longer because I have a doctor's appointment in the morning and it's not worth going to work before it.

4. I had a dream last night that I got engaged to Chandler Bing, but wasn't ME... I'd lost my... well, my SPUNK if you will. It was a really good reminder to me to be ME in a relationship.

5. I get to get off the computer and go read about Jesus. That's got to count for a few, eh?

Quick update...

Yesterday I had 3 people in the hospital: Mom, Dad, and Sister. Dad is home recovering from surgery. Serry should probably be coming home fairly soon. Mom is going to be OK, but we're not sure when she's coming home yet.

Life is NEVER dull. God is ALWAYS faithful.

I miss blogging...

... but all my time is spent blogging for my sister. She's in the hospital right now... but I think that's a good thing. Read today's blog if you're interested.

So... what's new with Emily? Ummm... a lot.

Jenni came out. That was cool. Seriously. (Sorry, Britt.) We had a TON of fun... even if (especially if?) it was a pretty mellow weekend. Got to see Kristy, so that was extra fun, too. We saw the funniest play ever... The Drowsy Chaperone. I loved it so much that I encouraged a co-worker to bring her daughter to it... and even today we randomly exclaimed, "WHAAAAT??" and then busted up laughing. :) VERY funny. Highly recommend it. :)

Ummm....

I'm reading Romans right now. With small group. But we're almost done with that. Don't know what's next.

Oh, my garage flooded. Twice. That pretty much sucked, but the city and my homeowner's association are making it right now. They're replacing the drywall, installing better locks on doors (not really related to the flooding, but a result of it, so I'm OK with that!), and I may be able to get my carpet replaced. I broke down the first time it happened... I just couldn't handle it. But.... we are like trees in the wind... it made me stronger for the next blow, I guess. I DID get my garage cleaned, though... so that's good. I have shelves up now, and much of my stuff is on them. I've bought storage bins (and plan to be buying more) and am excited to use more and more of them... (two are red and green for Christmas decorations... I have lights and stuff in boxes and I'd like to get everything possible in bins. Water pouring into my garage taught me some things. :-/ lol

OK, I'm going to head to bed now. To read Romans... and then to read the book about the guy who followed the Bible literally for a year... it's really funny. :)

Good night.

Blog for Serry

Check out Serry's blog on the right... I'll have updates there on what's going on in her (and therefore OUR) life.

Thanks all.

Fall is here... rainy rainy rainy. It's nice, though... I like the rain.

MO for prayer

I found something on Outlook 2007 I HATE yesterday... I schedule interpreters for our office and that means that I use Outlook to track everything. I have my own scheduling calendar, but I put the info in all of our Deaf staff's calendars, including changing the category to an Interpreter(s) Scheduled category. All is fine and good until I come to a series - you now can't change the category of an individual appointment in a series... it's all or nothing, baby. Any tech geeks out there know the way around this? (And no, I can't break up the series'--they aren't my appointments!) I just want them to be YELLOW!

All for now...

Prayer Update

Just keeping this brief, because we don't have all the specifics yet, but...

It looks like my sister has cancer. She's only 29. We're moving her home to Western WA this weekend--where she can be with family and have some fantastic doctors through the Cancer Care Alliance in Seattle.

Please pray. Please pray HARD.

Prayers Please

Hey... I don't really have the energy to blog about this tonight, but I'm asking for some serious intercessory prayers right now for my family. Please pray for healing and for God to be revealed. I'll update more later.

Fluffy white clouds

So at this exact moment I'm laying on Gentry's couch, typing on her laptop, waiting for her to get home in ten or fifteen minutes. I'm on a mini-vacation folks. :)

The drive up here was fine... until it started POURING just south of Bellingham. Torrential downpour. HOWEVER... just a few minutes ago I got a call from BJ thanking me for bringing the sunshine--it's gorgeous outside now!! :)

Today is my brother, Scott's, birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Someday you'll all know him as a famous... well, something famous related to movies or tv or something. we'll see what happens when he grows up.

It's really quiet here. I like where I live well enough, but the road outside my house is LOUD. this is really peaceful.

If you haven't had the chance, make sure you check out Monday through Wednesdsay's Focus On the Family with Dr. James Dobson. Steven was on it all three days... and his story just proved what an AWESOME God we serve. You can find it online... One of these days I'll include the link for you. I ended up downloading it and puting it on my iPod... listened while I drove up here.

I'm reading Judges right now. Just started actually. Just finished Deuteronomy and Joshua. I think after Judges I'll pick something in the New Testament.. actually, next weekend will start reading through Luke and Ephesians with the church--one chapter a day. So I'll do that and then just stick with my trip through the Old Testament right now. It's possible that I'll get the whole thing read through this year. Lately a ton of people have asked me how many times I've read the bible through... it's such an odd question to me... because it's not like I normally read from Genesis to Revelation over and over. I can be pretty random when I'm reading... and sometimes I've been "stuck" in a short book like Ephesians for an extended period of time... reading and rereading. Depends on what God's doing!

What are YOU reading right now??? :)

So I have a bunch of pictures I could post, but won't do that yet. I'd like to see Serry's first - we both took probably 230-300 each of the camping trip - I love digital cameras.

today was our first chilly day in... well, in a long time. Wait - it wasn't chilly. It was probably something like 70. But compared to the past while... it's cool. and right now it's 58--cooler than *I* have seen it at almost 9:00 in a long time.

I'm reading Anna Karenina... still. ;) It's really good, just really slow. I'm in the second half now--I'm just happy that Levin stopped farming. Farming got boring. I hope that he doesn't farm any more. You should read it... just make sure you give it time and keep going... the names get confusing and VERY Russian at first, but I think it's worth it. The sad thing is, I know what happens... but because of that--I need to finish the book.

I went for a walk...

...and ended up at my cousin's - but they were at the park. Then I found them and hung out with them for awhile. Then I walked back home and am here now... but now it's bedtime and into the Psalms I go. Night!

The Recipe

LIBBY'S GREAT PUMPKIN COOKIE
4 c. unsifted all-purpose flour
2 c. quick or old fashioned oats, uncooked
2 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1 tsp. salt
1 1/2 c. butter, softened
2 c. firmly packed brown sugar
1 c. granulated sugar
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 (16 oz.) can Libby's Solid Pack Pumpkin
1 c. real semi-sweet chocolate morsels
Assorted icings or peanut butter
Assorted candies, raisins or nuts

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine flour, oats, soda, cinnamon and salt; set aside.

Cream butter; gradually add sugars, beating until light and fluffy. Add egg and vanilla; mix well. Alternate additions of dry ingredients and pumpkin, mixing well after each addition. Stir in morsels.

For each cookie, drop 1/4 cup dough onto lightly greased cookie sheet; spread into pumpkin shape using a thin metal spatula. Add a bit more dough to form stem. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes until cookies are firm and lightly browned. Remove from cookie sheets; cool on racks. Decorate, using icing or peanut butter to affix assorted candies, raisins or nuts.

Yield: about 32 large cookies. Variation: Substitute 1 cup raisins for morsels.

NOTE: Dough may be frozen in air tight container. Thaw in refrigerator; bake as directed.

I have an addiction

...it's called Libby's Great Pumpkin Cookie. Seriously. My mom used to make them when I was little - I think I have kindergarten pictures of us eating pumpkin cookies. A few years ago, I found the recipe and try to make them every year. The batch is HUGE (think, among the other ingredients, 4 cups of flour and 2 cups of oats... yeah, that's a lot).

Well, we have a bake sale on Thursday for our ADWAS family. I decided to make these because they're YUM and make a lot and fairly easy.

I've eaten two plus the equivelant of that in batter... and I want more... after I told myself I could have ONE total. And I DESPERATELY want to go downstairs for more. lol

I have GOT to get these things out of my house! :)

Sisters!

Drumroll please...

Please stand by for pictures from my first CRUISE. :)

(Actually, *I* have to stand by, too. I didn't take many. I just used everyone else's camera. It's a habit I should probably get out of now that I have my OWN digital camera, eh? LOL)

Misery... ugh

Just wanted to give a quick update. San Fran was PERFECT. It was time to come home when I did, but I was still sad to leave.

My mom got bitten three times on her back by a spider. it's very serious, and she had to have surgery on all three of them. She's still in a lot of pain, and the wounds have to be repacked twice a day = at least 4 percocet or vicoden a day. Please pray for a quicker recovery for her - she's been out of work for 2 weeks now.

I got some nastiness that resembles strep throat and the flu combined. It's horrible and I've been miserable. It's not strep, just some viral thing that I have to get over. I'm SLOWLY healing, but it just doesn't feel fast enough. I started feeling sick on Friday, but thought it was just a cold (and PRAYING that no one I was with Friday night gets this). Friday on the way home (we went to a Mariner's game), I started shaking because I was so cold. by the time I got home, my hands were blue. It's all gone downhill from there. Here's hoping that tomorrow I'll be feeling a little better.