What are your goals?

I hate resolutions.  Seriously.  Resolutions are so often ridiculous and rarely, if ever, kept.

However… I need some kind of pressure to be motivated to DO anything, so I like goals.  Tasks.  Things that need to be accomplished WITH a due date.  And a new year is a really good time to set year-long goals.

Unfortunately, that just happens to coincide with New Year’s Resolutions.  Phoey.

Let’s review some of what makes a good goal.

It’s specific.  It’s not, “Exercise more.”  It’s, “Be able to run a mile without stopping.”

It’s achievable.  It’s not, “Read 500 400+ page books.”  It’s, “Read at least 2 books a month.”

It’s challenging.  It’s not, “Speak in Toastmasters when I can.”  It’s, “Compete in a Toastmaster’s speech competition.”

I’m trying to evaluate my life and find goals that touch multiple areas.  I probably have more goals established than I should, but mine have become very specific--that Toastmaster’s competition one is real, folks.  I also still have a couple vague ideas that sound a lot like resolutions that I’m trying to figure out how to make into a goal.  I like that process, though.  It means that I get to spend time with the goal before I commit to it.  See if it is something I want to have happen this year.  If it fits my vision for the upcoming year, maybe if it fits where the church is going for the year, and what is happening in my life.  There are a lot of very good goals out there that I have not adopted, simply because they’re not a fit right now.

So what are your goals for 2015?  This isn’t my entire list, but here are a few of mine:

• Read at least 12 books this year, 6 novels, 6 ministry-specific (I get distracted very easily lately, so I need to remember that I LOVE reading)
• Compete in a Toastmaster’s speech competition
• Blog at least once a week for one year (started this month!)

Share your list!

Welcome Home

I flew in to Las Vegas on Tuesday night for a whirlwhind trip to find somewhere to live when I move down next month.

I was skeptical.
I was concerned.
I was afraid that I was going to get here and suddenly have this "I've made a TERRIBLE MISTAKE" feeling in the pit of my stomach.

You can see why I was a little nervous. 

My flight in landed around 6 pm, so it was fully dark by the time I was over Southern Nevada.  I was reading on the plane, wondering what would happen over the next two days, and generally succeeding at distracting myself.

But then I got this gut feeling that it was time to put the Nook away.  I closed it up.  Turned off the light.  And stared out into the black nothingness that is the desert at night.

There was a sound elsewhere on the plane and I glanced back.  As I turned my face back to the window, the edge of the lights in the North Las Vegas area began to creep into view.
My breath caught.
I strained to see more--specifically the Downtown area.
And I thought... "Home."

I don't know HOW this crazy neon town is becoming my home while I don't even live here, but it is.  I guess it has something to do with Jesus.

Giving

One of the best parts about taking a leap of faith is that often it requires a team of people.  People supporting
you, praying for you... and sometimes giving.

I've been asked by several people, "Can I help you financially?"  Every time someone says those words I'm surprised... and HONORED.  This isn't a "Please give to me!" post.  This is a post that explains how to give if you want to.  I'll have two options to do so.

OPTION ONE

Make a donation directly to my PayPal account.  It's simple and easy.  It is a donation directly to me, so you won't receive any tax benefits for this.  I will transfer this money into my moving account and use it for moving expenses.

• To make a PayPal donation go to this link: https://www.paypal.com/us/webapps/mpp/send-money-online  (Or go to www.paypal.com, hover over "Transfer," then click "Send Someone Money")
• Type in your email, my email (emilyshill at gmail dot com), and the amount you'd like to give.
• PayPal will walk you through the rest.  It's FREE to give if you have a PayPal account or enter your bank account.  There's a small fee for use of a credit or debit card.

OPTION TWO
Make a donation to Sought Church in order to receive tax credit.  We are still working on the logistics for tax exempt status, so all donations will go through the District.

 

• Go to:  https://agncn.webconnex.com/eGive
• Scroll down to "Other" and type the amount in the corresponding box and pick the appropriate drop down option
• In the Memo box type: "Sought Church Moving"
• Complete all the Donor and Billing Information, then click "Submit"
• When you receive confirmation of your donation, email that confirmation to jakem at soughtchurch dot com (This has to be completed because the donation is combined with other donations to the church and the Network is unable to separate donations)

 

THANK YOU.
Seriously.
There are a lot of expenses associated with this move, but I'm doing my best to follow where God is leading.  I've been so blessed by people wanting to pray for me and encourage me, and I'm shocked when people say they want to give.  It's incredible...  You are all incredible.

The Microphone

I love the microphone.  Seriously.  Stick a microphone in my hand and I'm happy.  It doesn't really matter why.

 

"Do announcements?"  YES!  

"Emcee an event?"  ABSOLUTELY!  

"Preach a sermon?" COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!

There's so much more to life than holding a microphone, but I get that special tingle in my fingers and twinkle in my eye when I press the "on" button and take my first breath.  At that moment, anything could happen.  I could make people laugh or cry.  God could use the words He gives me to touch someone's life profoundly.  I could become an impromptu comedian when the schedule goes awry.  There is no end to the magic that can happen when you're holding a microphone.


That's why I was so surprised last night.  I was at my church's Believer's Gathering.  When the pastor called for testimonies of what God is up to, I raised my hand.  As an usher put the microphone in that raised hand, emotion swelled up inside of me.  That usually confident first breath felt shaky.  "I'm moving to Las Vegas!" I proclaimed.  I began to tell of what God was doing, both in my life and in my future home, and I felt the tears well up inside.

Tears of nervousness and fear.
Tears of excitement. Of joy.
Tears of gratitude.

When I took the microphone last night, my confidence was no longer in ME.  My confidence wasn't in whether I had a joke or anecdote to fill any awkward silences.  It wasn't in if I'd done enough homework about the city of Corinth or whatever topic I was teaching on.  My confidence was in an unseen and yet all-knowing Savior--the Lord of my life and of this move.

I've never doubted myself as much as I have over the last month in my entire life.
Can I DO this?
Will I have enough money?
What the heck am I THINKING?!
(BTW, the answers are No, No, and I have no idea!)

The thing is...  as much as I doubt myself, I don't doubt GOD.  HE has never proven Himself unfaithful.  HE is the one who can orchestrate everything.  He is the one whom I will follow.  No matter where He leads.  If it's to the desert, so be it.

So the next time I go to pick up the microphone, I get to remember this one astounding fact... My God has plans for me.  And plans for you.  And if that brings tears and shaky breath and sorrow and joy?  Well, what a beautiful story that will be.

The Pain of Preparation

SO.  I'm moving to Las Vegas.  What the heck???  I'm joining Sought Church while there and I'm super excited!  And a little nervous.  And wanting to procrastinate on the preparation, big time.

I have a 2 bedroom house to pack.  That means packing, but also giving things away, selling things, and throwing things in the garbage.  I've already made one trip out to the recycle bin, and have a bookshelf on my front porch to throw away.  Plus, I have to prep my house for the next phase of life--being a landlord.

I'm realizing that I'm VERY skilled at one thing through all of this... procrastination.  Seriously.  I just want to wiggle my nose like Jeannie and have it all done.  Then I can just MOVE and get on with life instead of living in the most transition I've ever thought I could be in.

But...  If I'm going to fulfill what God is doing in my life, I have to ignore my amazing skill at putting things off and work, work hard to get ready.  And I have to sacrifice things that... well, honestly I don't want to sacrifice.

Even though I live with a lot of THINGS that I don't necessarily want, they're comfortable.  They're mine.  When was the last time I sat in my rocking chair?  Ummm... a few years ago.  Yes, company has sat in it a few times, but at Christmas, when there's actually PEOPLE here, upstairs it goes to make room for the tree!  It's not important.  So out it goes...  Maybe I'll get a few bucks for it on Craigslist.

I see the same thing happen in my life.  Sometimes the traits that I cherish as part of ME are really something that God is saying, "Hey, Kid... it's time to throw that in the dumpster."  Perfectionism.  Sarcasm.  Control.  Anger.  Whatever it is, He reminds me that it's always time to do some rearranging in my soul.  That "couch" that I've sat on for so long?  It's dirty and disgusting and filled with negative self-talk.  It's time to toss it in the dumpster and instead go on a prayer walk.

You don't have to physically MOVE for God to remind you of this.  What is rattling around in YOUR head, comfortable and known, but toxic to who you are supposed to be, that God is telling you, "TOSS IT OUT!"??

Freefalling

Sometimes I think I live a very boring life.
A life of predictability.  Of normalcy.  Of average-ness.

And then God says, that He will direct His angels to guard me wherever I go (Psalm 91:11).  I still wonder...  He's guarding me, but... I'm so average.

And then something crazy happens.

God says, "Take a leap of faith!"

And I jump off the hugest building I've ever jumped off before and find that I somehow landed higher than I started.  But my life is pretty boring.  Still.  It's normal.  At least, that's how it feels.

But in between the excitement and the normalcy, He reminds me that no matter the season, no matter the time, no matter the anything, He remains the same.  A constant.  And that is certainly not boring.  (Hebrews 13:8)

And all the while, I get to climb up the stairs because the elevator is too full.  I think my life is average.  But truly... it cannot be average because it is the Lord who is leading.  Step after step I climb.

Finally, I come to a rooftop.  A building much higher than before.  It's much more frightening to look over the edge, but I know the only way up is to jump down.

And so...
              I leap.

I'm freefalling right now.
My heart is in my chest.  I can't breathe.  Everything is a whir around me and inside me.

And I know that no matter what happens... I will land higher than I started.  And I will look around and see all the buildings that are taller than I am...

And start climbing again.

When God Says "NO"

I've been given some options lately that I haven't known what to do with.  These are potential opportunities that would be incredible--and could move me into the place where God wants me.  It's exciting to even THINK about the options in front of me... And TERRIFYING, as well!

The scary part for me isn't so much the idea of change--I LOVE change, and would thrive on constant change, if possible.  The scary part of me is that we live our life of faith by just that--FAITH.  It means that the decisions I make in my life are not guaranteed.  I do the best I can with the understanding that I have and then leave the rest up to God.

And for a reformed control freak - that's HARD.

So God gave me a challenge.  And if God gives you a challenge, you'd better do it.

My challenge was to document the major decisions in my adult life, and to examine how I came to make the decisions I made.

The list began:
Going to North Central
Quitting my job
Haiti
Facilitating Freedom Session for a second year

On and on I wrote about how God communicated with me.  And two things became clear:
1) For all of these decisions, I KNEW.  Something deep in my gut told me what the right decision was, and I knew that I had to follow it--no matter what other people said or did.  Some of them happened instantaneously (like Haiti--I knew the night I was asked to go, even though I didn't admit it for a few days).  Others took years (like quitting my job--I'd wanted to for a long time, but it wasn't until last fall that I was released to do so).  But no matter how long it took to get to the point of knowing, I knew.  And the end result is that my life was changed--AND the lives of the people I interact with.

2) Knowing the answer often meant knowing what NOT to do more than what TO do.  Last year, I wasn't totally sure that I wanted to facilitate Freedom Session again.  I didn't have a clear answer of whether I should or should not be a facilitator for awhile.  Then Ken, the founder of Freedom Session, came to our church to preach--and I realized what life would be if I did NOT facilitate... and recognized that as disobedience.  I've had multiple decisions like that--where DISOBEDIENCE was sometimes easier to see than OBEDIENCE.

So what does that mean for me right now?
I get to pray some more.  A LOT more.  And it's encouraging.  Because it means that if I'm open to hear when God is saying "YES" or "NO," I will hear.  I don't have to push for a decision.  I don't have to force it.  God will clearly say, "Yes, do this," in His way.

It just may sound (to me) a lot like, "NO-you can't do that anymore."

What Opportunities Look Like

Many of you know that I quit my job in November/December in the hopes that God would move me into ministry.  I had a hope of a part-time job that would pay the bills until something opened up--either part-time (to pair with the other job) or full-time.  Secretly, however, I wanted everything to work out perfectly...  You know: announce my resignation one day, be offered the most perfect ministry job the next?

I should know better by now.

God doesn't work that way in my life.  I have heard of story after story of how He's done that for others, but not for me.  For me, for whatever reason, it's about the waiting.  The waiting, which is... really frustrating.  But also... it's reassuring, if I take a really big step back.  (OK, a REALLY big step back!)  God is always up to something in my life, but He always takes His time doing it.  It's part of how I know it's Him working.

So I'm not working in paid ministry.  Opportunities to serve, however, have exploded. 
Seriously.

I have even met with those who have walked this path before, and gleaned so much from their experience.  One of the main lessons I'm learning?

"Whatever you're doing, it's experience.  Use it.  Learn from it.  Grow from it.  

It'll add one more tool to your toolbox."

This is probably some of the best advice I've gotten so far. 

•  That job that isn't ministry, but pays the bills?  Learn from it:  Develop trust before you share your message.
• Teaching those kids?  If you can communicate the truth of God to children, you can communicate it to adults.
• Managing greeters?  Hone your administrative and encouragement sides.  Keep your eyes open and pay attention to the people around you.  Lead a ministry.
• Speaking in church?  Study.  Pray.  Practice.  Figure out which hand YOU need to hold the microphone in.  Be YOU.

There is so much more I'm involved in, and I'm looking around every corner now for the tidbits that I'm learning, the parts that I can glean from each person and experience. 

Colossians 4:5 says to "make the most out of every opportunity."  Challenge accepted!

The Word of the Year for 2013

A few weeks ago, I was inspired by a Compassion International blog post on finding a word of the year.  Something that God wants to use in your life to remind you of who He is, who you are, or what He's up to.

I immediately had a word pop in my head, but thought, "That's FAR too negative of a word.  There's no way that it can be mine for a year."

However, the word kept repeating in my life--it and its opposite...  I would read it in the Bible, hear it in conversation, even speak it's opposite from the platform at church.  Each time, my spirit would leap a little... Whispering, "Yes... YES!  I believe!"

This week I've begun to embrace my word:

It sounds negative, doesn't it?!  Nothing.  When I first started thinking about it, all I could think of was The Nothing from The Neverending Story.  "God?" I asked.  "God, would You give me a word that hopeless?"

Ah, what little understanding I had!


A reminder that it is GOD who we dwell in and who dwells in us. 
 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." ~John 15:5

While the word "nothing" is not written here, it's implied in the list of items.  NOTHING can separate us from the love of God!
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" ~Romans 8:38-39

In Mark 8, when the people listening to Jesus teaching had been there for days with no food, Jesus recognized that they had nothing...  and did a miracle by providing food.  Jesus is STILL in the business of miracles today!

It's opposite, "anything" or "everything" has been impacting me as well.
In Mark 9:23, Jesus says, "Everything is possible for one who believes."

This year, God apparently means to teach me that He is much more powerful and unlimited than I have ever given Him credit for.  And I am unbelievably excited to learn that lesson.

In Which I Thank Everyone Who Has Been Praying...

Every so often in life, someone will mention, "I've been praying for you."  It gives you a little lift in your spirit.  A gratefulness that someone cares enough to spend their time on YOU--not anything else... Just carrying you to the arms of Jesus.

For me, it happened a lot when my sister was sick.  People in church or at work would stop me and tell me that they were praying for my family.

Lately, however, I have been awed by the people who have given of their hearts and minds and time to lift me up in prayer.  I've had people approaching me with words from God, specific Scripture that came to mind while they were praying for me... a friend just mentioned last night that she found a little trinket for me and though she hasn't given it to me yet, she keeps it in sight so that she prays for me every time she sees it.  People who should be focused on their own issues or families or lives are giving me a gift that surpasses all material gifts...

You, my friends, are investing in my life in ways you may never know.  You are encouraging me.  You are propelling me forward.  You are believing in me when I may not believe in myself.

Pastor Peter talked about giving this weekend... about how we should all be generous givers--because as we aim to be more like God in action and heart and love, we become more generous givers.  You all are sharing the love of God in a way that makes me so grateful, I cannot even express it.  And no one is asking it of you.

Thank you for the Christmas blessing, friends.  For the surprise words and love.  Each one of you is cherished and appreciated.  You know who you are, even better than I know.  Much love to you.


(By the way...  I'm going through some changes here...  As I'm bumbling along in life, God is changing my heart--which is why my blog is changing a bit.  Don't worry... it's still me.)

Where is Your Trip Heading?

Imagine with me, if you will, that you have a six year old daughter.  Before she is even born, you dream about the things you'll do together, the places you'll go.  As soon as you learn that she's coming, you shout for joy and love her more than your life itself.

As she grows up, you talk about the things she'll do in life.  She has the world in front of her, she can be anything.  Anyone.  When she's young, you start saving for a family trip to Disneyland.  You want to make the trip amazing, incredible, something that will fill her with a lifetime of memories.

You talk about Disneyland with her.  You tell stories of when you went as a child.  You introduce her to movies about Mickey and Goofy and all their friends.  You dream of the days of the Electrical Parade, and even start singing the old parade music.

She even has friends who have visited a Disney park.  They come back and regale her with stories of princess breakfasts and fun in the pool.

She is unbelievably excited.  She knows that soon she, too, will get to go.  She asks you every day, "Is today the day we get to go?  This is going to be the BEST thing to happen to me!"  You are waiting for just the right time.  You want warm weather, but not hot.  Not too many people, so you don't want to go when everyone else is on break.  You have character lunches to arrange and special surprises for her throughout the park.  You're buying princess dresses so that she can dress up whenever she wants to while there.  You're even more excited than she is... simply because you know that you are tailoring this trip to match her... PERFECTLY.  You'll still have a plane ride and driving, and all the other hard stuff of traveling with a 6-year-old, but it's all worth it.  It'll even be worth it to her.

One day soon, VERY soon, you'll kneel by her bed at night, read her a book about Pluto and Minnie, and whisper, "When you wake up...  we're going to go to the airport, get on an airplane, and go to Disneyland!"  It's not that day yet, but...  the excitement is building.  It's coming so soon!  Everything is just about right!



How excited do you think our Heavenly Father gets when He's preparing OUR "trip to Disneyland?"  I'm pretty sure He's way more geeked out than I could ever be.  And while He is preparing?  You can bet that I'll be reading HIS book and telling Him that *I* am excited as well!

What now?

I did college in a crazy way...  I went to a public university and got my Bachelor of Science--and then went to another school (Bible college this time) to get my Bachelor of Arts.  Seven years of college in a row.  Two graduations.  Insanity.  Something I wouldn't recommend to anyone--unless they know that God has told them to do it.  Fortunately (though it often didn't feel fortunate at the time), God was the one directing my steps through both educational institutions.

Two degrees means one thing--two graduations.  Today I'm not talking about the ceremonies; I barely remember either of them.  I am reminiscent, however, of the emotions and feelings that led up to graduation--both times.

I remember, of course, being excited.  You have to jump for joy when you finish something as monumental (and expensive!) as earning a college degree.  More than that, though--or at least equal to it--was a feeling of slight trepidation.  Where was I going next?  Was I really qualified to get a job, or be a minister?  Did I have any clue what I was doing?

Today, I feel like I just graduated from college again.

I know where I want to end up (for the most part).  How the heck am I supposed to get there, though?  That's what's plaguing me, that's what's gnawing on the edges of my thoughts at all times.  I keep finding ways to ask God if this or that step is the right next step for me... and I keep getting the door shut on any opportunity.

It's discouraging sometimes.  I have to be honest.

But then... I hear God's voice.  A comforting whisper--or sometimes a loud shout through a friend:

"Daughter...  

I am the one who gave you your heart and your dreams.  

I am the one who will fulfill those dreams."

I don't get it most of the time.  I keep thinking that something is better than nothing--but then I realize how unsatisfied I would be with whatever it is I hold up to God and hope is the answer.  Daily, I feel like I'm confronted with the question of "What am I supposed to do NOW?!"  And daily I am reminded that God has not forgotten me.  Perhaps He is playing chicken with me, waiting for me to pray through to the very end, to give Him every ounce of glory.  Perhaps He can hardly contain Himself with excitement, knowing exactly when the curtain will slide back to show that I'm stepping somewhere even better than the Big Deal of the Day.

Whatever the ultimate solution, though... I will continue to press on.  I will continue to pray.  I will continue to seek Him with every fiber in my being.

And those dreams?  Someday we'll all look back and note God's faithfulness at answering them--as we're looking forward to dreams so big they can't even be dreamed today.

The Fourth Category

I stole this from PostSecret. I read it and it makes me happy, simply because this is where I am right now.

Do you know how SCARY it is to live here, though?  I say that, kind of tongue in cheek, because YES, I'm sure you know that, and... well, my fear ebbs and flows.

Here's the deal.
There are certain things in life that we have to do, but that kind of stink... like taking out the garbage or cleaning the litter box (probably my LEAST favorite chores).  They HAVE to be done, though!

Then there are the things that need to be done, but are kind of neutral...  they may even bring some satisfaction in completing them.  For me--my budget.  (It used to be in the first, hated category, but now I love to see all those numbers adding up and coming to a beautiful zero balance at the end of the month.)

Next we have those things we enjoy...  they could be chores, they could be activities, they could be ways to volunteer.  We're excited that we get to be a part of these things happening.  For me, this is my participation in Freedom Session, women's ministry, and things like that.  Much of this, at this point in my life, is based at church, and volunteering.  Life, with plenty of these activities, is GOOD.

But occasionally...  occasionally we get to participate in that thing that pushes adrenaline in our bloodstream, that makes us feel like we are doing what we were designed to do.  These things may not come along often, or they may be present in our every day lives.  For me, this is what I will call "Communication."  Specifically, communicating the Word of God to people, and sharing what He's done in my life.  Simple.  Profound.  Thrilling.  I don't know and don't care how GOOD I am at this (though I always want to get better).  I DO care, however, that I get to do MORE of this.

Public speaking is the number one fear in the world.  75% of people have glossophobia--a fear of public speaking (stage fright).  For me, I'm not only in the 25% without the fear, I'm part of the few percent who WANTS the microphone, who WANTS to be up there, adrenaline rush and all.

That's one of the things I've always wanted to do... that I'm figuring out how TO go do.

What's yours?  What things get your blood moving, heart racing, and excitement abounding?

Change is in the air...

Autumn came to Washington with a smile that was warm, inviting, and completely refreshing.  The leaves changed colors--bright reds, oranges, and yellows, mingled with the long-lasting deep greens of summer.  The rains didn't come, not for a long time.  So different than normal in Washington.  Once they came, however, we were once again reminded of the freshness the water brings.  The newness, even in the dying of the earth's plants, the water washed it all clean.  Even the fellows at my parent's house soaked in that first rain, after waiting until mid-October.

I talk about the fall because, well, it's about change.  As we change from the heat and dryness of summer, to the chill and wetness of winter, we experience change...  Externally--school buses crowd our commutes again, daylight slips away, fields flood with an excess of rain. 

Perhaps because our world is full of change, I embrace it, like a close, well-loved friend.  When I have the opportunity to learn something new, to change projects I'm working on... I feel challenged and alive.

At this point in my life, I feel like the dry summer is about to come to an end.  I've made such a drastic change in my life right now, that I know the rain is about to fall.  The change in season is awakening and feeding a yearning in my life to serve God even more wholly--to know Him and His will even more closely than before.  It's right before the rain falls that things are the scariest...  The fires come and burn the dry brush.  The scorched earth bakes in the sun.  The animals choose poison to eat, simply because it is the only green left in their fields.  It can feel... desperate. 

And then the first drop comes.  Like a tear, a cry so soft, so desperate...  The second drop falls.  The third.  The earth is quickly awash with moisture, the ground soaking it in, drinking it in, as if it has never experienced this before.  So it is in life--the fires wash away, hope dances in the puddles, change is in the air.

It is frightening.  The rain can wash away the dry soil.  The rain can come too late to give the grass the nutrients it needs.  The rain can flood and destroy. 

BUT...  CHANGE... it's in the air.

And it's fresh and clean and oh, so exciting.

His work released...

If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less, but to dream more, to dream all the time.

~Marcel Proust

"If you could do ANYTHING right now, no limits, no money issues... ANYTHING... What would it be?" she asked me.

I froze.  My brain scrambled for an answer.  ANY answer, really.  I quickly opened the dusty files in my brain and tried to make some sense of the haphazard documents clumsily tossed in.

"Ummm..."  Yeah, that's a quality answer.

"Ummm...  Oh... I'd teach.  I want to teach people about God..."  The thought never fully expressed itself--rather, I was fully incapable of expressing my thoughts.

She looked at me.  Directly at me.  No barriers, no hiding; just me, and her, and God.  Oh, and the other two people in the room.  "God wants you to dream again, Emily."

Deep inside, the tears started streaming.  Where it was dark and secret, my soul cried out, "Oh, God!  If I dream - will You really be there?  Will You truly fulfill--even exceed those dreams?!"  My face remained dry.  Calm.  Composed.  Masked. 

I left later, wondering...  I've dreamt so much and not seen those dreams fulfilled.  I've wrapped some of them so carefully and put them on shelves, waiting for the right time to be opened and explored again.  Others I've tossed to the side... allowing to get dusty with age.  As the days passed, I picked those yellowed dreams up.  Gently blew the dust off.  Some were tenderly filed.  Some were set back in the sun, hope infiltrating the words again.  New pages were written.  Small words.  Small ideas, that seemed just out of reach... yet somehow... tangible.

Today, my still heart tries so hard to slam the iron door shut on those dreams.  To protect them from being destroyed.  In an air tight container, it was to secure them, to prevent harm from coming, to suffocate them.  

Day after day, the Savior comes and reopens the door.  Brings the dreams to light again.  Tenderly kisses them and exclaims, "Yes!  I dream these, too!"

The dreams He has allowed me to dream, given me to dream, brought forth in the deep of my heart, He will see accomplished.  With His care, His love, His caress, they will come forth, shouting and screaming and quietly singing for the joy of His work released.

Waiting

At the risk of posting this for people I know to see...  Here's a bit about Jesus, Abraham, and you and me.  If you have 18 minutes (I was planning on 5 or 6 - ha!), enjoy!

(And what a horrible face for the video to pause on!)

Obedience

"Extraordinary moves of God begin with ordinary acts of obedience" ~

Steven Furtick, Sun Stand Still

 I've been thinking a lot about obedience lately.  I looked the word "obey" up in the dictionary.  It does say, "to comply with or follow commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of" someone other than yourself.


If you know me, you know that this is a challenge.  When someone tells me I MUST do something, I often question "why?" before even thinking of doing it.  Even worse, when someone tells me I CANNOT do something...  Watch out!  I remember being in college - there was a rule that we couldn't dance.  Never in my life had I wanted to dance... until they told me I couldn't!  We used to have dance parties in our rooms!!


The verb form of the word "obey," however, had an interesting definition.  

"To be obedient: to agree to obey."

Hold the phone.
"To agree to obey."  What would that take?  That would take knowing the character of the one who is asking you to obey so well that you agree to obey whatever he or she instructs you to do--even if you don't understand it, like it, or feel comfortable with it.

Isn't that the way God is?

I have been a close follower of God for 16 years now.  From the beginning, He's asked for my obedience.  Over the years, as I have discovered more and more of His character, seen more and more of His trustworthiness, He expects me to agree to obey Him much more quickly and willingly. 

Some people see that as a bad thing.  I see it as something beautiful.  First of all, there is no single human in this world that I would trust the instant he or she told me something.  No one, not parent or sibling, or friend, no one is so vested in my future as my God.  Don't get me wrong--He isn't vested in making me happy.  Happiness, contentedness in my surroundings, is a choice I have to choose every single day.  God IS, however, vested in seeing His work done here on earth.  And when I've obeyed Him in what He's asked me to do?  I have never, ever, EVER regretted it.

It's because of God's past performance that I become a better obey-er.  It's because He's proven Himself so thoroughly to me and in my life and the lives around me that I know that once He speaks, I'd better act.  I fail at this.  I failed this week at something... something I thought was trivial, but now that I look back at it I think, "Wow... what a missed opportunity.  I could have impacted someone's life.  My OWN life would be different now."  That's why I'm blogging.  It's my public way of reminding myself of how VITAL it is to not only listen to God whispering (OK, sometimes shouting!) to my spirit... but also to OBEY what it is He is telling me to do.

God's been talking to me.  He's asking me if I will agree to obey Him.
My answer is YES.

I truly, truly hope that He is able to use me for His work here.  I know I have a willing heart.
I hope you do, too.

When I Think of Haiti...

...here's what I will remember.

Teenagers

We spent a week in Haiti, Saturday to Saturday.  There were 12 of us on our team... 8 high schoolers, 4 leaders.  Our teens changed in that week.  They grew by leaps and bounds, in boldness, joy, maturity, and worship of the Lord.  Our nightly prayer meetings reflected the day's work - these kids pushed during the day, and they pushed at night.  They love our Jesus with a fiercer love than before - and I am so very proud of them.

My Inabilities

Philippians says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  That was proven this week - with a reminder of the opposite... I can do nothing, at least nothing of consequence, without Him.  This is my prayer - that I remember this in all things... That HE is the source of all my abilities AND my inabilities.  I can do nothing without His power working through me, and all things should point to Him.

The Worship

Have you ever sung in Creole?  I have...  I LOVE it.  Worship at the Mission of Hope church was infectious... even if you didn't know what you were singing, you knew you were glorifying the Lord - and joining hundreds of other believers, belting out the lyrics.  These people show no restraint in their worship.  If they want to praise the Lord, they do so with every ounce of their being.  They sing loudly, dance exuberantly, and shout His praises from the beginning to the end.   

On Tuesday night, we had a worship service...  Mostly songs, some prayer--a lot of time praising the Lord.  After an hour and a half or two hours, it came time to take the offering.  After about 5 minutes of worship, things started to be dying down... a few of us looked at each other, ready to take our seats.  All of a sudden, the music ramped up again--louder and a little faster.  Something was happening.  People began pouring out of their seats and into the aisles, dancing, singing, laughing, until sweat was visible on every single person there.  On and on and on the music played, increasing intensity, building joy and laughter.  After about 10 minutes, Justin stepped out to video the intense worship, as the rest of us just kept moving with the music.  We were clapping and laughing, singing all of the "Oooohs" and as much of the Creole as we could figure out.  Our students joined in a conga line.  The people around us danced and sang, shouting out thanks to God - "Meci, Jezi!  Meci, Jezi!"  20 or 25 minutes in the music finally finished... worshipers flushed and hoarse, filled with laughter.  I suspect it will be a long time before I experience this intensity in worship again!

God's Orchestrations

The things that seemed so little when we started this trip out became vitally important.  God planned each of the 4 leaders to head to Haiti with these teens--2 men, 2 women.  Each of us was needed, with our own abilities and strengths.  Who knew that we would need the expertise of each at one time or another?  Only God.  I feel so very honored that I was chosen as one of these leaders, and that I was able to serve Him not only by ministering to the Haitian community, but also to the youth of our own church.

There were other times when I was amazed at how God would place one person in a position to minister and it would be the perfect person.  One example: We were in a village on our last ministry day, talking to the people in the street.  The afternoon was hot and muggy (as all are in Haiti).  Women were washing clothes in the river on the other side of the bridge.  Children came running to us calling out, "Blan! Blan!  (White! White!)"  A group of men were resting in the shade of a huge tree, right next to the river.  One of our students, an evangelist at heart, grabbed one of our translators (yes, they're interpreters, not translators, but down there that's what they're referred to as), and began asking these men if they were Christians, if they believed in Jesus, if they wanted prayer.  He made the rounds... then stopped at one man sitting by himself.  The older man lifted up his left arm to show our teen the scars from where the bullets of a gun ripped through his body.  Our young evangelist adjusted his shirt to show where the bullet of a gun ripped through his own body--putting him in a place to recognize the reality of Jesus.  Young boy and old man--connected with an awareness of how precious life is and how it needs to be used by God.  The old man gave his life to Christ that day.  God used two very horrible situations to bring His glory into the lives of His children.

Greetings and Language

When I see someone here in the US, I still want to greet them with "Bon Jou" or "Bon Swa!"  I want to tell people, "Meci!"  I want to ask, "Komen ou ye?"  I still hear our teens shouting "Jezi vivan!"  In telling stories to some of my Deaf co-workers  today, I signed things in ASL, but mouthed them in Creole--because things happened in Creole.

The Sweating

OK, it had to be mentioned. At multiple points during the week, everyone's shirts were soaked with sweat.  It was hot.  And working hard in the hot means that your pores start leaking.  I can still see David on the ladder inside the school, painting the corners and edges, both shirts soaked and hair plastered to his face.  There were shiny faces all week long - but loving Jesus means you get to sweat sometimes - it was worth it!

The Healings

We serve a God who likes to do miracles.  One of the teens on our team went to Haiti with very bad asthma.  While there, he had a massive, get-him-to-the-hospital-or-he-could-die asthma attack.  Those on our team who were with him at the time started to pray - and instantly he was healed.  Not just healed in the moment, but permanently healed.  There is no more asthma in his body.  God is amazing!

The last night we were there, God told me to ask the teens for prayer for my knees.  I've been diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my left knee, and there are times when the pain is debilitating.  This was their trip and I didn't want to take away from that, plus I'm so dang prideful, but God was clear... so I asked.  They prayed.  I stood up and went to the stairs... going down about half of them, turning around, and coming back up...  Something was different.  There was no grinding.  No grinding.  My knees have been grinding every day since last January - and often before that.  The grinding was gone.  I had no idea how to respond.  My knees felt weird, different than they ever had.  I yelled out, "There's NO GRINDING!"  I went up and down the stairs - again with no grinding.  How do you respond??  My prayer the whole time was, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!"  It still is!

See...  There's still pain in my knee--specifically my left knee.  but... it's different.  I'm not sure how to describe what's different about it.  The grinding is gone.  I'm going up and down stairs now and not crunching--something I wasn't sure I'd ever experience again.  I have an appointment later this month with a knee specialist--something that got scheduled before I left for Haiti.  My endocrinologist (who made the appointment) suspected that there may be more than just arthritis in there.  I'm tending to agree...  I'm wondering if God DID specifically heal the arthritis, so the doctor will be able to see what the OTHER problem is clearly.  I don't know how our Lord works - I just know that I will continue to pray and thank Him and be so very excited!

 That's all for now.  God is GOOD.  He is FAITHFUL.  I am so in love with Him.

My Heart is Happy

I cannot believe how God is moving in my life.  Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been so happy or grateful for the things He's doing!

Very soon I'll be in Haiti, with a crazy group of teenagers, sweating all over ourselves.  It's going to be phenomenal.  Some of these teens I've just recently met, others I've known for awhile - but I love them all!  I'm SO very excited to see what God works in their hearts and lives!

I'm also developing a love for the Hatian people...  especially their Deaf community.  If you get a chance, check out Kyle Reschke's blog...  I read what God is doing down there, how He's empowering the Deaf community, and I have tears of joy.  He truly DOES take the lonely and set them in families.  He truly DOES care, desperately, for those that society calls the least.  He truly IS far greater than anything any of us could imagine.

Life is so... unpredictable.  Who knew?  8 months ago, my life was fairly status quo.  Today, I've seen my future.  I'm undergoing major heart change and the renewing of my mind.  I'm going to HAITI.  Life is good.

The Moments

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the princess of the life God gave....

OK, so that's not exactly how it goes. ;)

Have you ever had that moment?  You know the one.  Where you're going along in your life, everything is the same as yesterday, except that you're 24 hours older, and hopefully 24 hours wiser, when all of a sudden... there's a moment where life completely changes.  Where life completely changes YOU?

I've had TWO of those moments in the last few months.  TWO.

In November, I was walking along, minding my own, when KABLAM!  God throws down the blueprint for the rest of my life.  OK, so it's not really a blueprint.  It's more of a "this is where you're headed, kid.  Hang on for the ride!"  All of my secret dreams were suddenly blended together in this exquisite patchwork that only God could design.  I'm not there yet, I'm oh, so far from there, but... it was that MOMENT!  At that moment, everything changed.  Everything.

What's really crazy is that nothing REALLY changed. :)  I mean, it was all internal.  It was purposeful, and hopeful, and totally insane.  But I was still (heck, AM still) in the same situation.  But the gears, those nutty God-gears, began to creak their way into movement.

And then the moment happened... again.  Our youth pastor said, "Hey, wanna join the teenagers and I in Haiti?"  I said, "Hm, thanks, I'll pray about it, but NO."  Too late.  The bug was planted.  The infection begun.  The rest of my life began playing out in that one, simple question.  "Wanna go to Haiti?"

I almost cry when I think about what happened that week.  He asked me on a Sunday.  I had a MILLION reasons not to go.  It's stinking HOT in Haiti.  Teenagers?  I work with adults.  Work.  Money.  Health.  One by one, God addressed the issues.  My boss COMMANDED me to go.  Coworkers stepped up and said, "I can't go, but because you're following God, I'll help YOU go."  God told me that it was time to start living the way the rest of my life is going to be.  So I'm going.  That Thursday night, after receiving massive confirmation, I emailed the youth pastor and said, "I'm in."  That moment.  That one, crazy moment.

You know what's happened?  I've had MULTIPLE people tell me they've never seen me this happy.  I've never been so sure of a direction in my life.  I feel... buoyant.  Something is pushing me higher and higher.  In those moments, as I was receptive, the Holy Spirit began working, changing, molding.  He's beginning something that I have no control over.  He's completely revolutionizing how I speak, act, behave.  Truths that He has planted in my heart are bubbling forth, with a passion and a zeal that I've only ever prayed for.

That moment?  Those moments?  They're called obedience.

God called and I said, "Yes."  

That's all.

Listen for those moments, friends.  Pay attention!  When they come, have your answer ready: "Yes, Lord!  YES!"