Tuesday, December 11, 2012

What now?

I did college in a crazy way...  I went to a public university and got my Bachelor of Science--and then went to another school (Bible college this time) to get my Bachelor of Arts.  Seven years of college in a row.  Two graduations.  Insanity.  Something I wouldn't recommend to anyone--unless they know that God has told them to do it.  Fortunately (though it often didn't feel fortunate at the time), God was the one directing my steps through both educational institutions.

Two degrees means one thing--two graduations.  Today I'm not talking about the ceremonies; I barely remember either of them.  I am reminiscent, however, of the emotions and feelings that led up to graduation--both times.

I remember, of course, being excited.  You have to jump for joy when you finish something as monumental (and expensive!) as earning a college degree.  More than that, though--or at least equal to it--was a feeling of slight trepidation.  Where was I going next?  Was I really qualified to get a job, or be a minister?  Did I have any clue what I was doing?

Today, I feel like I just graduated from college again.

I know where I want to end up (for the most part).  How the heck am I supposed to get there, though?  That's what's plaguing me, that's what's gnawing on the edges of my thoughts at all times.  I keep finding ways to ask God if this or that step is the right next step for me... and I keep getting the door shut on any opportunity.

It's discouraging sometimes.  I have to be honest.

But then... I hear God's voice.  A comforting whisper--or sometimes a loud shout through a friend:

"Daughter...  
I am the one who gave you your heart and your dreams.  
I am the one who will fulfill those dreams."

I don't get it most of the time.  I keep thinking that something is better than nothing--but then I realize how unsatisfied I would be with whatever it is I hold up to God and hope is the answer.  Daily, I feel like I'm confronted with the question of "What am I supposed to do NOW?!"  And daily I am reminded that God has not forgotten me.  Perhaps He is playing chicken with me, waiting for me to pray through to the very end, to give Him every ounce of glory.  Perhaps He can hardly contain Himself with excitement, knowing exactly when the curtain will slide back to show that I'm stepping somewhere even better than the Big Deal of the Day.

Whatever the ultimate solution, though... I will continue to press on.  I will continue to pray.  I will continue to seek Him with every fiber in my being.

And those dreams?  Someday we'll all look back and note God's faithfulness at answering them--as we're looking forward to dreams so big they can't even be dreamed today.

1 comment:

Dana R. said...

My vote:

"Perhaps He can hardly contain Himself with excitement, knowing exactly when the curtain will slide back to show that I'm stepping somewhere even better than the Big Deal of the Day." <3