Monday, November 29, 2010


So... do YOU ever pray for something, sooo hard... God tells you about it, He stirs your heart so that you yearn for it like you've never yearned for anything before, you learn about it, research it, and generally do your best to GET it... and at the end of the day you're still left empty-handed?

I have.
I DO, actually.

Every day I feel like I'm left at the throne, thankful for what I HAVE, thankful for the dream that He has built in my heart, but left wondering if He ever truly means for it to come true.

Let me say my disclaimer: I know He does. I have no doubt about that. I have no doubt that His plans are better than mine could ever be. It's just hard sometimes, and I'm sure you all can relate to that--to the emotional response.

Part of me is wondering WHY I'm left wanting what He's promised but not yet fulfilled. Maybe it's to remind myself LATER how much i wanted this--you know, when times get tough. Maybe it's to increase my desire--to teach me to love the way HE does, more purely and selflessly. Maybe He is simply using this time to grow ME, to teach me to become more dependent upon Him. Actually, I think all of these things are true. They are definitely happening during this process of waiting, and I am striving to let Him make the best use of my time right NOW.


But I get stuck in comparisons (which He is quick to point out and correct).
But I KNOW that no matter how much I can grow right now, I could be DOING more, CHANGING others' situations so much more.
But I'm left feeling like I am lacking in some vital way... that maybe I'm not good enough or grounded enough or pretty enough or... or enough for Him to trust me.

I fear I am destined to be different. I will always know the meaning of the word "WAIT" - more than others around me. But in the waiting, I know I need to ask myself, "What am I doing to prepare?" When He says "GO" I want to be first in line to answer.

1 comment:

Jenni said...

I really am honored by your honesty with us. I love you and will be at the front cheering like crazy when all this DOES happen.