9:00 Walk

Yes, Jenni... I did it. My first 9:00 walk. It was nice - warm, a little breeze... nice neighborhood happenings. Nice.

Talked to God a lot. I've been really struggling lately. Not with my faith. Not with belief, or love for God. That part... that's the part that almost comes naturally to me. I don't get it, nor do I question it.

I've been struggling with... purpose, I guess. Vision. Hope. I'm OK in life right now - happy, I guess... Not sad. Slightly complacent, but part of that complacency is because I have no idea where to go. What to do. I feel like I WANT so much and I've been ASKING for so long. I recently had someone talk to me about Abraham (pardon me if I've shared this with you already). He noted that God told Abraham "GO to the land I WILL show you." GO first, THEN I'll show you. He said, "Maybe it's time to GO."

I simply smiled, trying to put on my good, Christian face. I didn't have the time or the energy to show the pain that I know reflected in my eyes. I would love to GO. I would love to take a step in a direction that God commands. If He would but whisper the direction, I would step out with my whole strength. However, my friends... I do not know the direction. I don't even know whether my gaze needs to focused somewhere.

It hurts.

It hurts to feel that He whom I love the most in the world wouldn't share where He wants me right now. It hurts that I keep asking and constantly questioning not just my future, but my present.

I love Him. And while I am so lost... I will yet praise Him.


Psalm 42
1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My [c] soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.