Saturday, January 09, 2010

Change of Heart

I'm going to do my best to take a bunch of jumbled thoughts and write them understandably... be prepared. :)

This past week I had 2 separate conversations with 2 different friends about growing in God--one led to the other. In the first conversation, a friend pointed out that I have grown and matured a lot in my faith, especially recently. It was brought up in connection with "relationships" (or lack thereof) and got me thinking... I HAVE continued to mature in my faith... it's astounding, especially considering the past year in dealing with cancer--when I felt that even breathing came to a standstill at times.

I shared this conversation with my second friend... and we continued the relationship theme. I stated... "I have read my bible every single day for the past 2+ years. (Today makes Day 730.) I continue to grow in Christ daily, it seems. How is this going to factor in to a relationship with a man? I already know that there are certain things that I need in a relationship... and since I want someone who will challenge me (and who I can challenge, too), where in the world am I going to find someone who will meet me where I am? Every month it gets more and more difficult!"

Her response was that obviously the pool gets smaller and smaller with the more growth you have. BUT... if *I* am out there looking for someone in the ever-shrinking pool, that means someone *else* is out there, too. It's hopeful.

And then tonight... Tonight we wrote our letters to God at church, an annual tradition. I was frustrated because I wrote pretty much the same thing in a letter 5 years ago--change a few of the details, but the same hopes and fears... I finally shoved the letter in the envelope and dropped it off on the altar. I was feeling selfish and instantly grumpy--aggravated that obviously I have NOT grown like I thought I have. And then, just as I turned to head to my seat, our worship pastor smiled at me. He was back doing sound, standing there making the CD play and doing whatever else they do back there, and he totally shook me out of my stale mindset. I AM in a different place. I HAVE changed and grown. I'm not perfect... the letter is still the same. My heart is still yearning for the multiple things I wrote about--both this year and for the past several years... but my yearning is rooted more and more in the love of Christ.

5 years ago, the thought of reading Scripture every day was a desire... but in action? No way. Didn't happen. 5 years ago, my finances were in chaos--not a completely lost cause, but with no hope of getting out. Today? I know when I'll be debt free and am ACTIVELY on my way to getting there. 5 years ago, I wouldn't be able to minister to those aching with the pain of cancer. Today, as much as I absolutely despise this fact, I can tell someone "I understand," and truly understand... and watch the love of Christ work in their lives. 5 years ago, I had no idea what a deep seeded NEED to obey God would do in my life... to heal the orphan, to love, to KNOW Him. I am far from perfect. VERY far. But my calling in life is NOT to live complacently. My calling in life is NOT to sit and wait for a man to meet me where I am NOW or THEN, but to meet me where I am GOING. My calling in life is to actively seek my Savior... I have NO idea where I'm going from here (hence the letters being so similar over the years), but He is taking me there step by step.


Mandy said...

So well observed and written. Your fire for the Lord, to follow Him, to serve Him, to be obedient to him is truly an inspiration. Don't even discount the impact for Christ you are having on the lives of others! Our faithful and loving God knows your heart and is preparing you for something great. As pastor Justin shared last night, He has a SPECIFIC job for each of us to fulfill. Trust that you are on track for that path and trust that the Lord will bring you to exactly where He wants you to be when you need to be there. It could be that your waiting on someone else, or it could be that you are EXACTLY where He wants you to be. We won't know that until the glory of Heaven and I, for one, can't wait!!!
As I mentioned last night, it is absolutely phenomenal to see the growth in you. From my "supposed to be Lutheran" roommate to my dear Reverend friend who ministers the love of God DAILY, I am in awe of you AND what the Lord is doing in you life.
Blessings to you my dear friend! Oh, and thanks for the invite to church (and forcing me to write my commitment letter too!). :-D

Emily said...

Thanks, Mandy. You made me cry.

Big hugs.

tammi said...

Em, and Mandy,
You both made me cry! Em, I love 'hearing' (reading) your passion as you share your heart. It is an inspiration and encouragement to me. Mandy, I'm glad you get to be close to Em and share that with her too. I love and miss you both!!!

Brittany said...

Em you took my breath away when I read that. Wow. Praise God! You are an amazing woman and I am grateful you are trusting and obeying God.