Today was an excellent day. between taking care of my car, playing with old friends and new, and listening to God whispering (OK, shouting sometimes!) to my heart, I feel so blessed, whatever the week may bring.
God DID speak to me tonight. First of all, I'm not sure I've ever mentioned this to you before, but I love my church. ;) One thing that I love is that I feel free, most of the time, to worship the way God wants me to worship Him - with my hands. Tonight, I had to free myself from the row that I was in (things were getting cramped) when a song came up that I just can't sign small and in front of myself. I am so grateful that it's OK that I moved myself to the back wall and just threw myself at Jesus' feet. It was so, so good.
Have you ever prayed something once or twice, almost desperately, and then God brought it up in public? 'Cause that's what happened to me next. Over the last few weeks, God's been addressing some pride issues (re-addressing?), and I've been slowly willing to let Him speak into my life about that. Pride is a tough issue, especially for me, and God knows how to turn me around - far better than any human could (shocker, eh?). Well, Pastor Peter starts a-talking and what comes out in his message? Pride--or rather, the tearing down of it.
While some of it was lighthearted (and resulted in a group of us after laughing about who got the small fork!), most of it seemed to be directed right at my heart. I was totally engaged at one point, and then I suddenly felt like a knife had plunged into my heart - a bit drastic of a picture, but stay with me. It wasn't there to harm me. It was there to cut out one specific area of a cancer that could take over my life (the specifics are between me and God, but go with me here).
With the words, "If we're following Jesus, there's no way we can ever remain the same" resonating in my ears and my heart, Jesus carefully, piercingly, cut to the heart of a major part of my life.... and whispered, "Child... this needs to go. You MUST change here, I love you too much to let you leave it."
I physically moved as if I'd been punched. I think the wind was almost knocked out of me. I have no idea how God expects me to operate or to deal with certain areas of life with this specific issue sliced out of me. I fully expect to fall back and welcome it back in sometimes--I'm a sinner like that. But He could not be more clear. "It. Must. Go."
Lord, help me to know, to understand, to cope. I KNOW this will make me closer to You and I KNOW Your light will shine so much brighter through me. After all, it's not about me. It's not about them. It's about YOU.
The end part of the service tonight was simply quiet and dark, with soft music playing, and letting us talk to God. I couldn't speak, not really. I just sat there and quietly allowed my Savior to apply his salve to my bleeding heart, and whisper confidences to me. If you think about me, I'd appreciate your prayers. I am not sure how to obey Him in this matter... but I know I must.