Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Too much to lose

I came home from Haiti on Easter. 
I already felt behind.

Then I got sick.  And sicker.  A little better.  Then terribly sick. 
2 weeks passed.
I finally began to start feeling better.
At 2 and a half weeks, I'm still coughing, still dealing, but healing.

But I'm so behind.  In everything.  EVERYTHING.
And when you have a need to be in control, to have everything perfect... that ruins you.
You are confronted with the feeling of FAILURE.


Even when things are great in other areas of life, you start to hear those condemning words.  You start to think they might be true--because there's no way out from under the failure.  There's no way to succeed.

Then something happens.  Something bad in my case.  Something external that got made right, but still... it's more than you can handle. 
You crumble.
But still...  You have to appear in control.
You make a weak cry for help, but aren't heard - at least the way you want to be.

You get to a point where the facade covering the feeling of failure is too much.  It begins to weaken. Crack. Dissolve.  But...

It was at this point that I realized I was under attack.  I sat in my car, staring at a tree, yelling at the devil.  Everyone sits in their cars and stares at trees while they're yelling at the devil... don't they??

Then a friend comes up.  Runs up.  Urgently.  "I'm supposed to pray for you!"
She doesn't ask, she just starts praying.
And the tears start.

Change scene.

Other friends, those I've allowed to speak into my life, see me breaking.  Ask what's wrong.
They pray.  More pray.
Battles are fought.  And won.

After, exhausted but grounded, God confronted me with the truth of what He's done in my life.
How far He's taken me.
Where He's leading me.
And He gently whispered, "To get there, you need these people.
You are not alone.
When you feel like you're losing control, be thankful.  Then turn to those I've placed in your life.
They're here to carry you to Me.
There is no condemnation.
You are not a failure nor are you failing.
I am most present in your weakness, daughter.
I am community.  You need community.
When you walk away from the community I have given you, you are turning your back on the changes I have made in your life.  You have too much to lose.
You have so much to gain.
You. Are. Loved."

My soul, injured, grieving, broken...  was healed.

To my community, to those whom God has placed in my life:
Thank you.  Thank you so very much.


Mohammad Fanirifanto said...

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Keep sharing .

asl4god said...

Interestingly, as I was reading your post, I had the distinct feeling that "of course all of this is going on. You just had an amazing God experience and the evil one ain't happy. God is doing things in your life that only God can do and satan can't have it." Then the post explained the same thing. God is doing mighty works in you, Emily. He loves you, obviously and repeatedly shows you this. Keep on embracing these experiences. I'm anxious to see where your story leads.

Love and hugs to you, my friend!!

HRH Princess KT said...

You're always in my prayers, Emily.

Jenni said...

So glad I got on here today. I love that you are hearing God here, both from HIM and through others, and recognizing it for what it is.